• View the most recent preparation packet
• Submit agenda item for next MWB. (choose “business agenda item” as recipient)
• About MWB

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

If you have questions about EWL groups, see my earlier explanations, EWL-1 & EWL-2.

Next…

Matching up more people and groups

I (Richard Fuller) am acting as a clearing house for getting people into groups.

There is a group looking for more people to meet at

• Thursday 7PM one night a month. Which week each month has not yet been settled.

There are individuals looking for opportunities to be part of a group that meets on:

• Monday evening
• Tuesday evening
• Thursday, very early evening
• Saturday
• Sunday, early afternoon or in the evening

If you see a match here, please get in touch with me at richard.osbo.fuller[at]gmail.com and I’ll connect you with the persons behind the times.

Getting your group functioning smoothly

(The March 1 session is designed to offer help with these efforts.)

1. For your regular meetings, you’ll want a location free of distraction.

• A private home?
• TCFM’s “New Classroom,”
  or one of the classrooms in the old building,
  or the Grotto?

2. Your group needs to decide on what format your meetings will have.

In Britain, Lois interviewed Bronwen, who had been part of an EWL group that has met monthly for 10 years. She described that group’s format.
The group begins by doing a check-in (5 minutes each) sharing what has happened in their lives since they met last.
They follow the steps on the recorded meditation which take about ½ hour.
They each separate (go into different rooms or the garden) and reflect for about 20 minutes on what has occurred for them during the previous half hour.
They regather and share for 5 minutes each what has emerged for them, or they can choose to pass.  The process takes about two hours.
They have tea together after the meeting.

Bronwen said the following expectations & understandings keep the group purpose clear and distinguish it from a therapy or support group.

Expectations/Understandings:

• There needs to be a selection process for group membership
• People are encouraged to try 4-6 meetings before deciding whether they want to continue
• When people have made a commitment, the group is closed.  If someone leaves, the group decides whether to replace that person.
• After the session, people should plan the next session
• Groups of 5-7 people are optimal (otherwise the meeting would take too long)
• Group members do not question or comment what others have said; they can ask for clarification if they don’t understand what has been said
• Personal boundaries need to be clear
• People should not expect revelations – sometimes ideas, images might emerge days after the session (not every understanding is in the form of words)
• Rex Ambler focuses on concerns “What are your concerns?”  However, in Bronwen’s group they focus on whatever emerges as important, significant – could be joyous
• No one is in the lead
• The Light shows you what to understand and what to take action on; it will not show more than you can deal with

A group that is forming will benefit from discussing what format, expectations & understandings seems right for them. Which of these from Bronwen’s group do you want to adopt? Modify? What would your group add?

3. I think the biggest challenge may be getting a satisfactory set-up with the meditation prompts.

(I have some suggestions, but I don’t have a standard solution that will work for everybody.)

First Principle: It is good to have a recording.

(You can have a group member keep track of the time and read the prompts at the right intervals, but to focus on doing this means that person can’t really open themselves up to the meditation. At least most people can’t.)

Questions related to a recording.

• Will you use a cassette tape?
• Or some sort of digital file that gets played on:
  A CD player?
  A computer?
  A MP3 music player?

The choices around a recording interact a little with the location you choose to meet in. If you meet in a home, it makes sense to rely on whatever sound system is available there. If you meet at the meetinghouse, you’ll need something portable you can bring.

Your group will need to decide on the length and wording of the meditation they want to use.

(See “technical notes about recordings,” below, if you want to hear more of my suggestions.)

For the EWL launch meetings I’m using a mp3 sound track recorded by Eric Ambler that lasts just under 20 minutes, which I bought from QuakerBooks.org.

On the Charlie Blackfield website there are free, down-loadable mp3 recordings that run from 30 minutes to 40 minutes long.

Technical notes about recordings

For people with cassette recorders,

probably the easiest thing is to make a recording in your voice, using one of the following sets of prompts.

Short Form of the EWL Meditation prompts based on Rex Ambler’s original

1. Relax body and mind.  Start by making yourself perfectly comfortable and consciously release the tension in each part of your body.  Then relax your mind.  Let yourself become wholly receptive.
2. In this receptive state of mind, let the real concerns of your life emerge.  Ask yourself, ‘What is really going on in my life?’ but do not try to answer the question.  Let the answer come.
3. Now focus on one issue that presents itself.  Keep a little distance, so that you can see it clearly.  Let the light show you what is happening.  Ask yourself, ‘What is really going on here?’  Let the answer come.  It may be a phrase or an image that comes, showing you what’s happening.
4. Now ask yourself, ‘Why is it like that?’  Don’t try to explain it.  Just wait in the light and let the answer come.
5. When the answer comes, welcome it.  If it is the truth, you will recognize it immediately, even if it seems painful or difficult.  Trust the light.  Submit to it.  It will then begin to heal you.
6. As you accept what is being revealed to you, you will begin to feel different.  Accepting the truth about yourself is like making peace.  Your body may respond quite noticeably to this change.  This is the beginning of changes that the light may bring about.  It can show you new possibilities for your life.
   (But if none of this happens on this occasion, do not worry.  Notice how far you have got this time and pick it up again another time.)
7. When you feel ready, open your eyes, stretch and bring the process to an end.

Brief Experiment with Light Prompts

1. Relax your body and mind.
2. In this receptive state of mind, let the real concerns of your life emerge.
3. Now focus on one issue that presents itself.  Ask yourself ‘What is really going on here?’  Let the answer come.
4. Now ask yourself ‘Why is it like that?’
5. When the answer comes, welcome it.
6. As soon as you accept what is being revealed to you, you will begin to feel different.  It’s like making peace.
7. When you feel ready, open your eyes, stretch your limbs, and bring the meditation to an end.

(There are other prompts for meditations printed in PDF format on the http://www.charlieblackfield.com/light/medits.htm website. You can choose one or modify one to your liking, and then record it in your own voice, tailoring the silences to the total length of time you want it to be. )

What I NOW know about digital recordings

I have recently learned that there is a difference between regular music (and other audio) Compact Disks that have been around for years and some newer recordings called “MP3″ which may be recorded on the same kind of silver disk, but need a newer kind of CD player. Just in the last few hours I have learned enough that I can now make both kinds with my computer.
Only the newer CD players are able to play the CDs that have MP3s burned onto them, in addition to the “regular audio CDs”. If a CD player can play MP3s, it will likely say so somewhere on the player. If your CD player doesn’t say that, it probably won’t play any of the MP3 EWL meditations mentioned above. Ask me about making you a “regular audio CD,” if you don’t have the background and equipment to make one yourself, from the above-named recordings.

• Standing committee clerks and members most recent year’s slate)
• Agendas for business meeting

A password is required. Please contact jamestr@gmail.com, identifying your connection to the meeting, to contact the site coordinator for the password or if you have any questions or difficulties.

During her presentation and after, I have received much interest and good advice about the upcoming three sessions, outlined below.

General thoughts about the 3 launch sessions

I have two audiences I’m presenting to: Observers and Engagers.
Observers are friends who want to learn more about what Experiment With Light is, but probably don’t want to be in an Experiment With Light Group.
Engagers think they want to be in a 5-8 person group that meets regularly for several months, working with the EWL process. They may know some of the people they would like to have in their group and may feel nearly ready to go. At the other extreme, there may be some folks who are pessimistic about finding group members who can meet at a time that is good for them. In either case, Engagers think that they might like to be part of a group, if things work out.

February 15 is for Observers. Engagers are also encouraged to come. The focus is on:

• What is Experiment With Light?
• Where did it come from?
• What do these people do in the EWL groups?
• How might I become part of such a group?

I will try very hard to end by 8:30. This will allow time for Observers to discuss what has happened informally and it will be an opportunity for Engagers and potential Engagers seek each other out and to have preliminary conversations.

February 22 is for Engagers. Observers are welcome. The focus of the evening activities is to make it as comfortable as possible for Engagers and potential Engagers to

1. Find a group of people who can meet when they can meet.
2. “Try the process on for size” with this potential group, to see how they feel when they are in the middle of it.

March 1 is for Engagers. I do not expect to present any new material or offer any new experiences. The evening will focus on supporting groups that have formed and are launching, and also individuals and groups that still need more people or more something else, before they are ready to go.
I won’t have much idea of my March 1 plans until the end of the Feb. 22 session, and a lot will not be decided until March 1, when we see who shows up, and what they need.

Experiences in a EWL group will touch tender places, as do many spiritual experiences. I think people are likely to have their best experiences if the group is fairly compatible, and feels safe to each participant. Therefore I encourage people to seek out friends with whom they would like to share the experience, and to personally encourage them. I hope Engagers will come to the Launch Meetings with half a mind of who they want to be in a group with, as well as an openness to people they don’t know who seem to be on their wavelength.

More sessions in March or April

Several people have already expressed regret at not being able to make the these first sessions. While I’m not promising anything until the end of this series, I’m inclined to offer the series again this spring, on weekend afternoons.

(EWL groups are welcome to form outside of this process. This is not like the NYM spiritual-nurture process, where there was an oversight body that kept track of things. Once a group of people decides they want to do EWL together they just do it, as they see fit. The Launch Meetings are designed to get them off to a good start, but that’s it.)

Monday Feb. 15 Meeting: Orientation

7PM at TCFM.

1.    Welcome, Handouts.
2.    Short Intro lecture.
3.    Q&A
4.    Short-form EWL exercise, 30 minutes, including a little time at the end for making notes. No small groups sharing.
5.    Anticipate second session.
6.    Close by 8:30, or not long after,
allowing time to mingle, discuss, and find kindred souls.

Monday Feb 22:  Form-up of tentative groups and a meditation session with optional sharing.

7PM at TCFM.

1. Brief Intro.
2. Participants will have a chance to see who is available at times they are available.
3. Based on this experience, we will settle into “try-it-on-for-size-groups” to do the EWL excercise.
4. Exercise:  Same as 4 above, but this time followed by optional sharing in the small groups, five minutes each.
5. Anticipate the third session.
6. Close around 8:30.

Monday March 1: Follow-up & Support Session

7PM at TCFM.

• Established groups looking for another member or two, or just wanting another practice session before launching on their own.
• Folks still looking to get into a group
• Time for provisionally-formed groups to
  • Settle on how many sessions they want to meet for, before doing an evaluation.
  • Each group might review the Friargate group’s suggested guidelines and reach consensus on what specific guidelines their group will use.
  • Agree on a time, place and convener for their meeting.
  • Get sound recordings or other materials they may not have been able to obtain on their own.

More Resources

Free resources available at:

http://www.charlieblackfield.com/light/

There are lots of audio downloads, including several versions of the meditations. And talks by Rex Ambler, like  Early Friends and the Light, an introductory talk by Rex, given at a residential workshop in Oxfordshire:

There are also  .PDF files, with printed versions of the meditations.

Available from Quaker Books Philadelphia:

Downloadable audio and text

Experiment With Light Mp3s

A Set Of 9 Audio Files And 3 Text Files In .pdf Format

BY REX AMBLER, RE-MASTERED BY MADISON MONTHLY MEETING
These are the remastered Mp3 audio files, prepared by Madison Monthly Meeting, of Rex Ambler’s ‘Experiment with Light’ process lectures and meditations. Ambler examines early Friends experiences of the Light and then describes a practice for modern Friends that can help them access the Light to transform themselves and, then, to look more outwardly. “The discipline of light as practiced by early Friends is a practical discipline which opens up the truth about ourselves and the world and transforms our relationship with them.” Audio files include a lecture by Rex Ambler on the process and five meditations for individuals and groups. An outline for a 4-session course included. Mp3 download.

Books

Rex Ambler: Light to live by – an exploration in Quaker spirituality

A brief introduction to the Experiment with Light, originally presented in German as the 2001 Cary Lecture.

Truth of the Heart: an anthology of George Fox

edited by Rex Ambler

John Lampen (ed.): Seeing, Hearing, Knowing – reflections on Experiment with Light

A recent book built around personal stories of spiritual search and discovery arising from the practice. It is intended for those who use Experiment with Light or wish to know more about it. First published in 2008.

The books are also available from www.QuakerBooks.org and other places.
Some may also be available as audio books from the British website Talking Friends.

Richard Fuller

Website and contact information
for Costa Rica Study Tours, the Quaker tours started in 1984: http://www.crstudytours.com.

The website provides links to their January tours, custom tours, tour photos and an e-mail link. The tour operator (and granddaughter of the family that started the tours) is Sarah Stuckey. We enjoyed meeting people on her tours a number of times during our 2 years there, and seeing her and her family often. Her son and Gabe were in the same class at school.

Phone 011-506-2645-7090 (yes, the number has one more digit than we are accustomed to.) Fax 011-506-2645-6522 P.O. Box 46-5655, Monteverde, Costa Rica

Donations to the Monteverde Friends School:

The way to give a tax deductible donation in the US is to send a check to:

Monteverde Friends, U.S. c/o Clara Rowe P.O. Box 993 Amherst, MA 01004

Please be sure they specify that it is for MFS.

It is also possible to give online via networkforgood. Unfortunately there is a Monteverde School in California that is easy to get mixed up with ours. For us Monteverde Friends US is the name for which to search.

A bit more about the school, where Annika served as Director from 2007 to 2009 — Nestled in the cloud forest community of Monteverde, Costa Rica, the Monteverde Friends School was founded over 50 years ago by Quakers who left the United States in search of a country and community that supported their peaceful principles. Today, our school continues to promote the universal values of peace, love and respect in the context of a challenging bilingual education and a sense of community. Their website, at http://www.mfschool.org/, also tells how US high school students can study abroad for a semester or a year at Monteverde Friends School, and provides information on teaching, work, and volunteer opportunities.

Donations for the purchase and preservation of cloud forest
to continue the conservation work begun over 50 years ago by Quakers can be made via one of the following two channels:

A. If you don’t want the donation to be tax deductible, then send it to: Asociación Conservacionista Monteverde Apartado Postal 124 – 5655 Monte Verde Puntarenas, COSTA RICA

B. If you want the donation to be tax deductible send it to: Monteverde Conservation League U.S. 1128 Weidman Rd. Town and Country, MO 63017

The latter has a percentage taken out for overhead. The former does not.

By Richard Fuller

BACKGROUND

The most wonderful and terrifying thing George Fox said was that we can all have a direct connection with the Divine. We do not need priests or other intermediaries to give us guidance about how to live our lives. This got George into a lot of trouble in the mid-1600s and many of his followers, as well. And yet there must have been something to it, as the movement now called the Religious Society of Friends persists, even without the hierarchical structure and accumulated wealth of an established church. In the late 20^th century a British Friend, Rex Ambler, studied Fox’s writings very carefully, along with the writings of some other influential Friends of Fox’s time. It seemed to him that George had a program for tuning to the Inner Light, even though he never systematized it in his writings. Rex distilled out the steps of this program and has been using them himself and presenting them to Quaker groups for most of this decade. Over 100 Experiment with Light groups have sprung up as a result of Ambler’s work. Of course these Quaker groups have added their own variations and refinements to Fox’s program, as Ambler understood it, but the basic steps, simplified to their minimum, follow the same form.

Here is that form, assembled in Fox’s original language.

Experiment with Light (EWL) meditation by Klaus Huber, August 2000, using edited passages from George Fox’s writings

(When this is done as a meditation there are several minutes of silence after each step.)

1. Keep within. For the measure is within, and the light is within, and the pearl is within you.

2. Let the light that shines in everyone of your consciences, search you thoroughly, and it will let you clearly see. As the light opens and exercises your conscience, it will let you see invisible things, which are clearly seen by that which is invisible in you.

3. As the light appeared, all appeared that is out of the light, darkness, death, temptations, the unrighteous, the ungodly; all was manifest and seen in the light.

4. Do not look at the temptations, confusions, corruptions, but at the light that discovers them. For looking down at corruption and distraction, you are swallowed up in it; but looking at the light that discovers them, you will see over them. There is the first step to peace.

5. The light will lead you out of darkness into the light of life, into the way of peace and into the life and power of truth.

6. Living in the truth ye live in the love and unity. In the light walk, and ye will shine.

Here are the same steps, with a double variation. They were written by Rex Ambler in modern English, and this is his variation focused on “the world,” rather than “the individual.” (Because here I am offering the conceptual outline rather than the full one-page meditation guide, I have trimmed out much of Rex’s supporting text.)

1. Relax body and mind. Start by making yourself perfectly comfortable…. We want to know the truth about our world. So let yourself become wholly receptive.

2. In this receptive state of mind, let the real issues of the world emerge. Ask yourself: “What is really going on in the world? … Don’t try to answer yourself. Let the answer come. Let the light show you what is happening.

3. Now focus on one issue that presents itself, … let a word or image come that says what it’s really like, what it is that touches you.

4. Now ask yourself what makes it like that. … then wait for an image, a word, a memory. Be open to the truth, hard though it may be, and it will surely be revealed to you.

5. When the answer comes, welcome it.

6. Now finally, consider how you need to act.

When you feel ready, open your eyes, stretch your limbs, and bring the meditation to an end.

Both these forms of the Experiment with Light meditation are from published sources, and both can be found at: http://www.charlieblackfield.com/light/

This website is an excellent place to begin your own investigation.

Also,  www.QuakerBooks.org has seven related resources. Searching QuakerBooks.org for “Ambler” and then for “experiment” will display them all. The most basic book to start with is Rex’s Light to Live By. It’s short, readable, personal and presents Rex’s basic discovery process, and the resulting practice he developed. Ambler has also compiled an anthology of Fox’s writings, titled Truth of the Heart.

The TCFM library also has resources. I’ll list them here soon.

What we hope to do at TCFM in early 2010

Lois Yellowthunder will present a general introduction to EWL at the January 31 Adult Ed hour.

We will have a few “Launch Meetings” not long after. Our goals are to:

1. Give anyone in TCFM who is curious about the Experiment With Light (EWL) exercise the basic information and a chance to practice, briefly.
2. Help one or more ongoing Experiment With Light groups form.
   These should be only five-to-seven people per group. More than this make adequate sharing difficult. Once a group is established, it is on its own, guided by the published materials, Spirit, and the common sense of its members. For this reason, people should select others whom they trust and feel they can work with. There are a variety of issues we will cover like guidelines for sharing and for (not) giving advice.
3. Consider whether, as a Meeting community, we want to do more, hold additional EWL orientation sessions, or whatever.

Soon I’ll have more specifics on this, and I’ll share them as they develop.

Why do I think this is a valuable exercise?

I was raised in the religion of scientism, so I was taught to believe that doing something like this was silly. “Superstitious.” I have grown to recognize that my training did not adequately explain the real world I experience. Still, I cannot embrace the “God-He” of popular culture that my parents were reacting against.

Early Quakers were way ahead of me on this one. They were acutely aware of the dangers of the current “Father-God” thinking and they were just as aware that there was “something” available to us. One of the central Quaker beliefs is that the “something” is essentially unnameable. It lives in each of us in a place beyond the reach of words. To worship in silence is an act of faith that “there is something going on.” Something that connects us to…. Fox’s words, above, deliberately point to something beyond the words, using several terms, as if none were adequate.

Rex Ambler points out that, in his early preaching, George usually had only a day or two before he was run out of town. His method of getting in touch with the Inner Light, the Seed, the Pearl, was so simple that it could be taught in this short time, including the Q&A. And then, repeatedly, when Fox or other Quakers returned to one of those towns a year later, they found a group had formed and survived a year under the church radar, practicing their Experiment with Light. The method had put them in touch with a sustaining power.

(approved by Twin Cities Friends Meeting, January 8, 2010)

Northern Yearly Meeting (NYM), of which Twin Cities Friends Meeting (TCFM) is a member, adopted a chapter on marriage for its book Faith and Practice in May 2008. It is presented in its entirety below. Particular concerns which have arisen at Twin Cities Friends Meeting, but which were not addressed in this chapter, are addressed in italics, along with procedural issues specific to our monthly meeting.

“In the true married relationship, the independence of husband and wife will be equal, their dependence mutual, and their obligations reciprocal.” – Lucretia Mott, 1849.

“A man and [woman] whose love for each other is part of their love for God, discover a more splendid love and a more exuberant life than those who love each other only. The romantic molasses on which our [popular cultures] feed is a poor substitute for the nourishing food of God’s love.” – Kenneth Boulding, 1942

Marriage joins two people in Divine care and an on-going relationship to fully share their lives. We believe this union is something not lightly entered into, as it is a planned lifelong commitment. Marriage brings two unique individuals into a new entity, one of joy, grace, respect and care for the other. The challenges of marriage, and sometimes the pains of it, provide the opportunity to grow into wholeness of life together, with Divine guidance.

Several individual monthly meetings within NYM have prepared minutes affirming marriage regardless of sexual orientation.. One of the earliest is:

“Twin Cities Friends Meeting, joyfully recognizing the diversity of sexual orientation within our religious community, affirms the goodness of committed, loving relationships that endure, are unselfish, and that provide mutual support and tenderness… We intend to follow the same customary and careful process of arriving at clearness for any couple, regardless of sexual orientation, who should wish to unite under our care….” – Twin Cities Friends Meeting of Friends, October 1986.

Our yearly meeting comes together in this affirmation with the following minute:

“Our experience confirms that all people are equal before God and equally loved by God. In witnessing the truth of God’s love to the wider community, we support full and equal inclusion of gays and lesbians in enjoying the rights and privileges afforded any citizen.” – Northern Yearly Meeting, May 2006

Only monthly meetings have the authority to conduct marriage under the care of the meeting. Worship groups and preparative meetings may participate in the clearness process and planning for a marriage as members of their monthly meeting committee. Marriage under the care of a meeting celebrates publicly the couple’s commitment to God, each other and the meeting. Decisions regarding marriage are unique to each monthly meeting. Most monthly meetings (including TCFM) do not accept care of a marriage unless one of the couple is already a member or an associate member of that monthly meeting.

Sometimes circumstances lead TCFM to make adjustments to the customary procedures outlined here. We encourage couples who seek such exceptions to prayerfully consider with their clearness committee and each other how important these exceptions truly are. Not all these procedures exist for the sole benefit of the couple; many are there to give TCFM the tools it needs to be able to support the couple in its marriage. That said, it is also not desired that the forms of Quaker weddings be adhered to solely for the sake of form. In the tradition of Friends, outward forms should follow from inner convincement.

The Clearness Process

The clearness process for marriage under the care of the meeting is a mutual exploration and discernment—by the couple and by the committee on behalf of the meeting—of the nature of the relationship and of the couple’s call or leading by the Spirit.

This process begins when the couple sends a letter to the monthly meeting to request marriage under the care of that meeting. The letter is read at the next monthly meeting for worship for business and the next meeting of the Committee on Ministry and Counsel (M&C) and a clearness committee is appointed by M&C to meet with the couple. Names for this committee may be suggested by the couple, and will also be gathered as they rise within M&C. At least one member of M&C should be on the committee and will act as the contact person between the committee and M&C.

Clearness committees explore the meeting’s willingness to take on the care of the marriage. They also enhance a couple’s preparation for marriage by helping them think about their commitment to each other at a deep level as well as the many practical issues they face. Some meetings have prepared materials for the clearness committee to use, which include care for the readiness of both individuals to be married and their clearness about being married within the Friends Meeting for Worship. (guidelines in our appendix)

The same clearness process would be followed for all committed couples that have requested marriage under the care of a meeting. Now, and historically, legal and religious definitions of the marriage relationship are not always one and the same. A meeting clearness committee may help a couple more carefully determine the characterization of their relationship, as part of the preparations for marriage.

Because seeking clearness for marriage is an open-ended process, it may take some time—four or five meetings over the course of several months is not uncommon. This is not necessarily because of impediments to clearness, but because clearness is more than a “yes” or “no”; it is a series of “hows” and “whys.” The answers to the sorts of queries that are part of that process ought not to be rushed. Couples often find the time spent in the process to be very valuable on reflection in later years. We therefore discourage the couple from making specific plans for a wedding prior to the clearness process being concluded.

Clearness committees should review with the couple the basics of Quaker weddings, and talk through any variation from that tradition the couple my feel necessary. There are really two overarching questions: are the couple clear to marry under care of meeting, and are they clear to have a Quaker wedding? At the same time, the committee will consider if the Meeting is clear to undertake care of the couple’s marriage, and whether it can support the form of the proposed wedding,

Particular consideration needs to be made when one of the couple is not a Friend, or when there the couple feels it important to incorporate non-Quaker elements into the ceremony and/or into the continuing care of the marriage. Both the meeting as a whole and the couple need to be especially clear in these cases what is being taken under care, and what such care means. It may be advisable, if the non-Quaker belongs formally to another faith, for the clearness committee to meet jointly with the person or persons from that faith community that fill the role of the clearness committee

It may be that unity is not readily found in the question of marriage under care of Meeting. We encourage couples and committees to labor lovingly and persistently with doubts that arise, but recognize that tender and even painful results are possible from this. This is the risk of seeking truth. If it becomes clear that unity is not possible, the committee will report this to the committee on Ministry and Counsel, and advise whether the marriage request is being laid aside permanently or for a time.

When a committee has come to clearness in recommending marriage under care of Meeting, this is reported to Ministry and Counsel, which normally passes this recommendation forward to Meeting for Worship with Attention to Business, which typically will approve the marriage but is not required to. Rarely, M&C or business meeting will find some impediment to approval, in which case the question may be returned to M&C and/or to the clearness committee for further consideration.

The Wedding

TCFM reminds those seeking to marry under care of meeting that a wedding is not the same as a marriage. When we take a marriage under our care, our priority needs to be the ongoing relationship. Likewise, we hope couples will be able to gain and maintain the perspective that while a wedding is a special day, it is merely a one-time outward expression of a union made by God, and that the union is what is truly important.

The clearness committee brings its report to a meeting for worship for business. After meeting approves, an arrangements committee is appointed to work with the couple on the details of the wedding. Arrangement committees should be cognizant of their state laws regarding marriage and provide clear information to the couple, so that all legal requirements, if applicable, are met in a timely manner. In keeping with our testimony of simplicity, arrangement committees are encouraged to help couples focus the wedding plans on the deep spiritual nature of this union and the real lifelong commitment being made. This may include consideration of the differing beliefs and special needs of some families. When such circumstances have been part of a clearness committee’s discussions, it is helpful for that information to be part of the clearness committee’s report, or to be otherwise transmitted by the clearness committee.

What follows is an outline of our usual practice of weddings, which is neither set in stone, nor open to any and all modifications. We urge couples and their committees to take the time to become clear about whether proposed variations come from genuine leading or from personal preference; and on the other hand whether adherence to usual practice truly reflects the spiritual realities of the couple’s relationship or represents an empty outward form.

Our experience as a monthly meeting has been that it is important that the Meeting as a whole be invited and welcomed to the wedding. Normally weddings are held at the Meetinghouse or nearby. If circumstances clearly make it necessary for the wedding ceremony to be private or held at a distance from TCFM, arrangements should be made for a separate meeting for worship with attention to the marriage to which all TCFM members will be welcome.

The wedding itself is a Called Meeting for Worship which has the purpose and joy of supporting and witnessing the couple as they join their lives. No third person officiates at the wedding because we believe it is the Divine Spirit that gives this relationship life and permanence. During silent worship, the couple rise and speak their vows to each other. The traditional vow is:

In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee, __________, to be my wife/husband/partner, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful wife/husband/partner as long as we both shall live.

Other wordings may also be used. The vows should be words the couple truly are able to commit to one another and desire to make. Clearness committees may assist couples in selecting the words they will say. Some couples choose to exchange rings.

The marriage certificate is an integral part of a Quaker wedding. Many couples experience the presence of their certificate in their family as a wonderful affirmation of the Divine blessing that brought them together and a reminder of the vows they said. Historically, Quaker weddings were not recognized by civil authorities. So Friends developed the marriage certificate to provide the complete record of this event. (Some sample wording for marriage certificates is provided in the appendix.)

The marriage certificate must be fully lettered before the wedding so that it may be signed by the couple during the wedding after they have said their vows. The certificate includes the words of the vows. Each should sign with the full name they plan to use from that date forward. A designated person then reads the entire certificate aloud during the wedding. All present are requested to sign the certificate as witnesses, at the rise of meeting for worship.

Historically, after the wedding, the entire wording of the marriage certificate and all of the witnesses’ names were copied into a record book of the monthly meeting. Both the meeting and the couple retained this document. Today, it is more common for the meeting to record the event, but not the entire certificate.

There are specific provisions in Minnesota state law dealing with Quaker and other non-officiant-led weddings (Minnesota Statute, Section 517.18). Until recently, TCFM has followed the procedures outlined under law to legalize weddings taken under its care. The meeting feels under the weight of the injustice that not all of the marriages taken under our care can be so legalized, because the state does not currently recognize same-sex marriages. As part of our witness to this injustice, we were led as a meeting in November of 2009 to stop acting as an agent of the state in the matter of marriage for at least three years, or until marriage laws change to permit same-sex marriage. We support those opposite-sex couples who for the protection of themselves and their families wish to legalize their marriages through a civil ceremony at a government office, and see no difficulty with other Friends being present as witnesses at such a ceremony.

Any reception or other gathering around the wedding is the responsibility of the couple and their families, but we encourage couples to consider how to integrate our shared testimonies of simplicity and integrity into such celebrations, and whether they are willing to welcome members of the meeting community. If a gathering is to be held at TCFM, the arrangements committee will need to be involved in planning facilities use and making sure such plans meet with TCFM policies and Friends practice. In particular, please note that TCFM meetinghouse policy prohibits the serving of alcohol on the premises.

Continuing Care

The meeting interest in a couple does not cease when the wedding event is concluded. The meeting is also to provide on-going nurture and celebration of couples and families. This community can be the fertile spiritually nourishing ground where a marriage relationship can continue to unfold in the Light. The interested community may welcome the observation of special anniversaries by assisting with a meeting for worship for an anniversary. Meeting couples who were not married in the manner of Friends might even request a meeting for worship for the further affirmation and deepening of their vows. A meeting may provide assistance when a family experiences health problems or loss. It may formalize support to couples by sponsoring couple enrichment workshops and on-going couple support groups. Couples within a meeting provide a model of rich Quaker marriage relationships as one kind of support to those considering marriage.

Continuing care may require times of providing counseling and clearness committees when families face difficulties. Many meetings experience gaps of awareness and awkwardness regarding ways to offer care. A meeting may want to locate friendly outside counseling and support services. Clearness committees may be offered to a couple who are considering divorce or separation, if they are open to that. A meeting can assist with the on-going nurture and care of any children that may be involved. The meeting community seeks to love and respect both of the individuals involved, and if possible, to help them continue to participate in the spiritual life of the meeting.

The On-Going Union

Marriage can illuminate the spiritual journey with God for both the couple and the meeting community. The wholeness of a marriage seems to strengthen and multiply the gifts each is able to offer as individuals, and that both are able to offer as a couple. Successful relationships give the meeting community a precious gift, a tangible model of the hard work and deep joy that true intimacy with self, others and God can bring.

In the same way that membership in the Twin Cities Friends Meeting is also membership in the broader Religious Society of Friends, so marriage under the care of our meeting is marriage under care of the Society. We welcome couples married under the care of other meetings, and offer care and support in the family relationships of all those who are a part of our community. We respect the choices of those who have chosen not to be married under the care of the Religious Society of Friends, and of those who became part of our community after marriage elsewhere. As Friends, we seek to recognize and support the work of the Inward Teacher, and regard formal marriage as recognition of a sacred state of union. However the couple chooses to outwardly recognize that state, we offer our love and care.

QUERIES

(general queries on marriage for the meeting and prospective couples)

For the Meeting:

1. How does your meeting nurture the marriage commitment before the wedding? 2. How does your meeting help a couple come to clearness? 3. How do your meeting and its clearness committees nurture the on-going relationship?

4. How do your clearness committees and arrangements committees assist the couple to develop their vows and plan a wedding which will focus on the deep spiritual nature of the commitment, and keep the celebration welcoming, orderly and simple?

5. What does it mean to your meeting to support a marriage under the care of the meeting?

6. In what ways does your meeting offer assistance and support to couples who may encounter difficulties?

7. How will your meeting lovingly embrace both members of a couple if there is separation or divorce?

8. How does your meeting nurture and support all couples?

9. How does your meeting continue to nurture couples who move away from the meeting?

10. When a marriage under the care of the meeting is not legally recognized by the state, how will your meeting assist the couple to protect and care for each other and any children?

11. What support can the meeting offer in marriage (or in separation) if one member of the couple is not a part of the Friends community?

For the Couple:

1. How will you, as future marriage partners, continue to seek the Light as you make decisions for your home and your family?

2. If your marriage is not legally recognized by your state, how will you protect and care for each other and any children?

3. What level of counseling and support would you, as a couple, feel free to seek from your meeting for continuing growth, or if you encounter difficulties?

4. How will you continue your relationship with your marriage clearness committee? 5. What is the couple’s responsibility to the spiritual life of the meeting?

APPENDIX A Clearness Committees for Marriage

(queries on marriage specific to the clearness process)

These are possible questions which may help a clearness committee for marriage as it meets with a couple. None of them are required. The most important role of the Clearness Committee for marriage is to allow the Spirit to work with the group, as they are preparing for their meetings and as they meet. Couples need to know that there are no right or wrong answers to questions, and that questions are raised to help reach clearness about whether a marriage should occur, whether it should occur within the meeting community, and what the specifics of the relationship will be. The questions are mostly derived from materials prepared by several monthly meetings within Northern Yearly Meeting, including Madison, Twin Cities, Minneapolis, and Prospect Hill, as well as individual comments from Friends.

Individuals

1. How would each of you describe what an ideal, committed relationship might be?

2. How did you become acquainted with each other?

3. Are there differences in your backgrounds? How will these affect your relationship?

4. Have you shared gritty experiences as well as festive ones? Have you encountered each other when you were ‘not at your best?’

5. Often it is the little everyday things that can really build up and bug a person. To consider these things, do you put the cap back on the toothpaste, or leave it about? Do you want all of the dishes washed immediately after a meal, or whenever someone has time? What happens to your shoes when you arrive home? Do both of you take time to care for your home environment?

6. Are you a morning person or an evening person?

7. Why do you want to marry HIM/HER? Why do you want to MARRY him/her?

Families

8. Have both of you become acquainted with the extended families of each other? Are your families supporting your desire to marry? If not, how will that affect your relationship?

Spiritual

9. Why do you want to be married under the care of the meeting? Do you seek to be an on- going part of the meeting community? Do you feel that a spiritual community will support the spiritual life of your marriage?

10. Do you regard marriage as a sacred relationship? Will the ‘presence of God’ be part of your home after the wedding ceremony?

11. What part do you expect marriage to play in your individual spiritual lives?

12. If you are not both Friends, how do you expect to reconcile your different spiritual practices? How will religious holidays be observed in your home? If there are children, which religion will they be raised in?

Futures and Responsibilities

13. Have you considered the legal issues of marriage, the rights and responsibilities including disposition of property, financial issues, survivorship options?

14. Have you considered, as a couple, how you will manage your money? How you will finance your home? Do you have the same ideas about lifestyle?

15. Have you discussed having children? If you have children from a previous relationship, how are you caring for their needs now? How will they be a part of your family after you marry?

16. If you cannot or choose not to obtain legal recognition of your marriage, have you made appropriate legal arrangements that protect you and any children, to the extent possible?

17. Do both of you become involved when large decisions are to be made? If you do not initially agree, how are your differences resolved?

18. If you are of the same sex, what will you do to provide positive role models of the opposite (other) sex for your children?

19. Is there anything you cannot talk about so far in your relationship? Do you think this interferes with the wholeness of your relationship?

20. Will you be a two-career family? How will you make changes, if a new, better, different job is considered?

21. Do health requirements or physical and mental conditions raise concerns for you in this relationship? What if one of you becomes impaired?

22. What are you going to do as your parents grow older?

Meeting Concerns

23. Are we ready, as a meeting, to be a part of this relationship? To receive the care of this marriage?

Appendix B – Marriage Certificates, Possible Wordings

These are the traditional words:

WHEREAS, (name______), County of (name_____) and State of (name), son/daughter of (name____) and (name_____), County of (name_____), State of (name)_____ and (name_____), son/daughter of (name____) and (name_____), having made known their intentions of marriage with each other, in a Monthly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends, held at (name_____), (name_____), and having consent of their parents, their proposals were allowed by this Meeting, These are to certify that for the full accomplishment of their intentions, this _____ day of _____, in the year of our Lord _____, they appeared in an appointed meeting of the Religious Society of Friends, held at (place_____), where they took each other by the hand and publicly declared that, in the presence of the Lord, they did promise, with Divine assistance, to be loving and faithful to one another as long as they both shall live.

As a further confirmation thereof, they did then and thereto sign their names: ________________     ___________________

And we, whose names are hereunto affixed, being present at this marriage, have as witnesses thereto subscribed our names:

________________         __________________

Couples may review the wording with their arrangements committee. The wording of the vows is important to include, as the signatures are witnessing what has been said. Many current certificates do not include the names of the parents, or the county of residence.

This version was approved by meeting for worship with attention to business, Twin Cities Friends Meeting, Jan. 8, 2010