Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness:
and bearing one with another,
and forgiving one another,
and not laying accusations one against another;
but praying one for another,
and helping one another up with a tender hand.

–Isaac Penington, 1667

Marriage Under the Care of the Meeting

At a Quaker wedding, two persons join together with their families and friends in a Meeting for Worship. Standing together in the presence of God and the assembled community members, they give themselves to each other, dedicating themselves to a lifelong partnership in the care of each other and to the service of God and humanity. They ask for God’s blessing and the blessing of the Quaker community upon their lives.

The form of the Quaker wedding ceremony remains the same as it was in the early days of the Society and is a natural expression of what we believe.

In keeping with Friends’ religious ideals, a Quaker marriage or a similar committed union includes the following:

• emphasis on the spiritual nature of the union
• emphasis on the equality of the partners
• avoidance of undue haste in the clearness process
• the Meeting’s responsibility to the couple married under its care
• lifelong commitment and sexual fidelity
• seeking early inclusion of family
• statement of the vows by both partners
• signing of the wedding certificate by all present at the ceremony

Moderation and simplicity in all proceedings also reflect Quaker ideals.

Friends feel that the Meeting for Worship on the occasion of marriage should be simple and reflective, exemplifying the importance of the step the couple is taking. When a couple wishes to be married under the care of the Monthly Meeting, they write a letter stating their intention and request that the Meeting begin the clearness process. The good order of Friends requires that adequate time for the clearness process elapse between the sending of the request and the desired date of the wedding. Usually the marriage is under the care of the Meeting where both partners’ memberships reside. Should one or the other partner hold membership in a Meeting other than the one overseeing the wedding, a letter of approval should be obtained from that Meeting.

Procedure

Overview of the Process for Marriage in Twin Cities Friends Meeting

The steps in the process can be listed as follows:

1. The couple acquaints themselves with the process of Quaker marriage.

2. The couple writes and sends a letter to the Clerk of the Meeting requesting a clearness committee. The Clerk reads the letter at the next Meeting for Business, or the next Meeting of Ministry and Counsel, whichever is first. Meeting for Business accepts the letter and directs Ministry and Counsel to appoint a clearness committee. Ministry and Counsel appoints its representative who forms a committee from names which have come forward out of Meeting for Business and/or Ministry and Counsel.

3. The Clearness Committee meets with the couple and submits a written report (including a list of names of the Clearness Committee members) to Ministry and Counsel whether or not couple is clear to proceed with marriage.

4. Ministry and Counsel seeks clarity as to whether to recommend to Meeting for Business that the Meeting take this marriage under its care.

6. Ministry and Counsel reports to Meeting for Business with its recommendation.

7. If the Meeting accepts the marriage under its care, Meeting for Business appoints an arrangements committee.

8. The Arrangements Committee meets with couple to plan wedding.

9. The Clearness Committee maintains a function of on-going oversight for the well-being of the marriage.

Steps 1 through 8 typically take about six months.

Consideration of Exceptions

While we do not require that either or both of the marriage couple be members of the Meeting, we do strongly recommend that one or both of them be well known by the Meeting and be long-time attenders.

While the Meeting is extremely reluctant to have weddings or ceremonies “after the manner of Friends” that are not under the Meeting’s care, and is extremely hesitant to consider short term attenders for marriage, the Meeting is willing to examine these and other exceptions to the following policies and procedures on a case-by-case basis. In cases that do not meet the guidelines set forth in this document, Ministry and Counsel will consider the matter and will make its recommendation to Meeting for Business.

Marriage Clearness Committee

When the request for marriage under the care of the Meeting is received, a marriage clearness committee is appointed by the Ministry and Counsel Committee at the direction of Meeting for Business. It is important that most of the individuals asked to serve be well-founded in Friends’ practice, with full knowledge of the clearness process and responsibilities, and that all members have sufficient time available to carry out their responsibilities.

The clearness’ process is a serious one that should allow couples the occasion to explore possible problems as well as the strengths in their relationship. The clearness committee meetings, in thoughtful and prayerful discussions, seek the leading of the Spirit regarding the proposed marriage. Specific queries (see below) or topics may be presented by the committee, or the couple, to give direction to these discussions, or discussion may arise out of worship.

It is important that those participating in the clearness process approach each meeting with open hearts and minds, that sufficient time be allotted for thorough understanding and seasoning to occur, and that any encumbrance be explored to ensure that both parties are free of conflicting obligations. As well as meeting with the couple, members of the clearness committee should meet at least for a time without the couple present and, if they deem it advisable, meet with each member of the couple separately. If hesitations arise, delay is better than too hasty a marriage.

Suggested Queries for the Marriage Clearness Committee

Most of these topics will arise naturally in the course of the interviews, and it is better that the prospective partners feel free to broach them themselves. Yet it is well for the committee to have them in mind and to see that they are covered. Friends are reminded that queries are ideals we aspire to rather than ways we judge each other.

Backgrounds and acquaintances:

How well do the couple know each other? What are their common values? How do they adapt to differences in background, religion, temperament or interests? Can they meet these differences with humor, mutual respect, patience and generosity? Do they have the courage and the willingness to go together for outside guidance on any problems they are unable to solve? Are there any aspects of either’s background that the other partner should know about (i.e., bankruptcy, previous marriage, children, imprisonment, other obligations, etc.)?

Religious beliefs, feelings and aspirations:

Do they regard marriage as a sacred relationship to be entered into with appreciation of its spiritual basis? How do they propose to meet their spiritual needs as a married couple? How will they seek Divine assistance? Do they endeavor to hold each other in the Light?

Growth and fulfillment:

Do they think of themselves as trusted and equal partners in marriage, sharing the responsibilities and decisions? Are they supportive of each other’s goals for personal growth and fulfillment? Do they communicate their feelings and needs, their dreams and fears to each other?

Conflict resolution:

How does each member of the couple relate to conflict? Do they recognize that conflict is an inevitable part of any close relationship, no matter how loving? Do they see conflict as the impetus for positive growth and change, or something to be avoided? What areas of conflict have the couple encountered and are they satisfied with how they have dealt with them?

Relationships with others:

Are they aware of the need for developing a variety of friendships that contribute both to individual growth and to the marriage relationship? How do they view their relationships with each other’s families and their obligations toward Society as a whole?

Children:

Have they considered whether or not they desire children, the problems as well as the joys they would bring, and the responsibilities for nurturing and guiding them?

Discharge of prior commitment:

Have they prior obligations, personal or financial, which need to be met?

Attitude of family:

What are the views of their family members toward the prospective marriage?

Legal relationships:

Is the couple aware of the legal realities that are associated with a marriage commitment? If the couple is choosing not to use the standard forms of marriage, or is barred from using them, do they understand the legal implications? These questions are particularly acute where there will be children or in the unfortunate circumstance of the marriage’s dissolution.

The Ceremony:

How do they view the wedding or ceremony of commitment which is to take place under the care of the Meeting? Are they familiar with Friends’ practice?

When Clearness is Reached

When the time comes that the couple and the Committee are clear that the marriage should go forward, the Clearness Committee reports its recommendation to Ministry and Counsel. Ministry and Counsel reports to Meeting for Business, indicating that unity has been found. The Meeting for Business accepts the report for consideration and seasoning and, when it is able to unite in approving the request, the Meeting accepts the marriage under its care. With the couple’s wishes in mind, the Meeting for Business agrees to a time and place for the ceremony, and forms an arrangements committee.

It may be that unity to move forward is not readily found. The Committee and the couple may choose to continue seeking the leading of the Spirit in this matter, or they may choose to lay aside the request permanently or for a time. When the right course of action is clear, the Clearness Committee reports this to Ministry and Counsel.

Arrangements Committee

This committee, appointed by the Meeting for Business, works with the couple to insure that all desired legal requirements are met and that the ceremony is accomplished with simplicity dignity and reverence. The reception, if any, is also part of the Committee’s responsibility.

The Arrangements Committee should be knowledgeable about the legal requirements for registration of marriage in their locality. In general, there is a marriage license or form for recording marriage with the county clerk or similar officer. The usual form, with some adaptation, may be used if a special form for the Society of Friends is not obtainable. It is the responsibility of the couple to secure this form. The Arrangements Committee sees that it is filled out and filed with the proper legal authority. In using the standard license form the Committee ordinarily needs to make changes in the wording to comply with Friends, marriage practices. Witnesses signing the license must be members of Twin Cities Friends Meeting.

The Wedding or Ceremony

The Meeting for Worship on the occasion of marriage gathers in silence at the appointed time. The meaning of the Meeting for Worship and the procedure of a Friends’ wedding may be explained to non-Friends in the invitations or early in the Meeting.

After a suitable time the couple will rise and, taking each other by the hand, declare in words to this effect, each speaking in turn:

“In the presence of God, and before these our Friends, I take thee, name, to be my (partner, wife, husband), promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful (partner, wife, husband), as long as we both shall live.”

After these declarations, the marriage certificate will be signed by the couple. The certificate of marriage will be read by the Friend appointed for that purpose.

A period of worship follows, after which the Arrangements Committee, or other Friends approved by them, shall close the Meeting. All those participating in the Meeting for Worship shall sign the marriage certificate.

Ongoing Care of the Marriage

When Friends marry under the care of the Meeting, the union is embraced in a spirit of commitment to lifelong care of the relationship. Thoroughness in the clearness and guidance process is essential to seasoning the relationship and to establishing a strong base on which to begin the lifelong journey. Couples so united are a precious resource to the Meeting serving as important role models for our children and young adults as they learn about adult relationships.

In fulfilling its responsibility for the care of a marriage after the ceremony, the Meeting and its members contribute in a variety of ways. The couple should feel free to consult with members of the marriage Clearness Committee. It is recommended that members of the Committee visit or correspond with the couple from time to time. Most important, the Meeting and its individuals assist the couple through prayer and a strong belief in Divine intercession in daily life.

Inclusiveness of Same Gender Couples

(October 1986 Minute of Twin Cities Friends Meeting)

“Twin Cities Friends Meeting, joyfully recognizing the diversity of sexual orientation within our religious community, affirms the goodness of committed, loving relationships that endure, are unselfish, and that provide mutual support and tenderness. We unite with Hartford, Connecticut Monthly Meeting’s Minute saying: ‘That so deeply enriching and spiritually fulfilling an experience as love between two individuals should be limited to those of the opposite sex we find inconsistent with the Quaker principle of the universality of love in the light.’

“We now affirm our willingness as a Meeting to hold celebrations of loving commitment under our care, in accordance with our traditional procedures, for both opposite sex and same sex couples, one or both of whose partners participate in our community as members or attenders. We intend to follow the same customary and careful process of arriving at clearness for any couple, regardless of sexual orientation, who should wish to unite under our care. We are aware of the diversity of attitudes toward the term marriage and leave to the couple the characterization of their relationship. In cases where the laws of the state of Minnesota permit, should a couple celebrating with us their relationship desire to certify their union legally, the oversight committee will assist with arrangements.”

Terms Other than “Marriage”

In this document and in our practice generally we say “marriage” and mean committed, loving unions, however they may be named.We believe that if a couple is currently denied the legal aspects of marriage or is a heterosexual couple who objects to the legal aspects of marriage, or for other reasons of conscience or strongly held belief does not wish to characterize their union as marriage, they should be free to choose other names for their ceremony and their relationship. “Wedding” may become Ceremony of Commitment. “Partnership” might be used instead of “Marriage.” Twin Cities Friends Meeting will honor these choices while affirming that the nature of the Meeting’s commitment to the couple is the the same, regardless of language.

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